for this loss of mine these past 5 weeks

I’ve been avoiding writing this for a month, but just when I thought it couldn’t get worse, it did.

On December 14, 2016 one of my two best friends died. He fell down a flight of stairs and was on life support until his father could fly in from Belarus a week later. I loved this man since he was a boy. For ten years he was the kindest soul I’d ever met…still is, I guess. But he left so suddenly it hurts to breathe when I think of the accident. It was unfair but it was life. I just wish it hadn’t been his…of almost everyone I’ve ever known, he deserved to live an amazing life.


On the 6th, my cat died. She was 12 ½ years old. I adopted her when I first moved to New York and didn’t know anyone and needed affection. She had different plans. She was wild and completely insane and scared the shit out of me. I would wake up in the middle of the night with her on my chest and her eyes staring into mine with her mouth open…leaned right over my face. Despite the issues we had, her death was torture to get through. I still cannot really talk about it.

Last Tuesday my other best friend died suddenly and unexpectedly. He got me through the other deaths. We met at summer drama camp when I was 16 and he was 17. He was gentle.  He was wonderful. He trusted me with all his secrets through the years. The world has no light anymore. He was the most talented person I ever met. His drawings and prints sold for thousands. I’m numb at this point…it feels so odd to not cry more…but it just feels normal now. I can barely accept what has happened and who I have lost.

My ex seemed to take advantage of the situation and has been kicking while I’ve been down. His behavior is vile and despicable and is a severe contrast to those I have recently lost. I think he made me love them and miss them more because I see the way other men can behave.

Do not settle for mediocre friends. Only the best deserve one’s love. Thanks for the outpouring of support. I appreciate the love.

RIP Stephan Cherkashin, Adam Paladino, and Suki. I love you.


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