i want to scream out “why??????!!!!!!” would you have skipped the roof had i visited last week? would i have been there to stay with you during the silence? why did i turn around on the subway that day? you were/are a better soul than i am. i just want to hug and kiss you and say it–everything i loved you for these past 10 years and what all of this meant to me, at least.
my coworker, best friend, lover, friend again…
i want to walk down first to catch you. i’ve fallen flights at a time with only bruises. i want to cradle your head and have told them to check for swelling in your skull like Rob. i want one more night out at your work. to flirt with your customers in front of you and for you to kiss me in the alley. i want to get robbed on the subway coming back from brooklyn on that lonely train again. i want to dance in the crowd while you perform.
i cannot come to terms with this loss. i cannot believe you were on life support for a week before i was told. i cannot believe i will never make you blush again. i cannot believe this is forever. are you the one keeping yourself fresh in my mind? the hauntings? are you forcing me to breathe during this suffocation?
i have printed pictures of us lined up on the kitchen floor.