devastation: dear Stephan…

stephan,

i want to scream out “why??????!!!!!!”  would you have skipped the roof had i visited last week?  would i have been there to stay with you during the silence? why did i turn around on the subway that day?  you were/are a better soul than i am.  i just want to hug and kiss you and say it–everything i loved you for these past 10 years and what all of this meant to me, at least.

my coworker, best friend, lover, friend again…stephan-2007-2008

i want to walk down first to catch you.  i’ve fallen flights at a time with only bruises.  i want to cradle your head and have told them to check for swelling in your skull like Rob.  i want one more night out at your work.  to flirt with your customers in front of you and for you to kiss me in the alley.  i want to get robbed on the subway coming back from brooklyn on that lonely train again.  i want to dance in the crowd while you perform.

i cannot come to terms with this loss.  i cannot believe you were on life support for a week before i was told.  i cannot believe i will never make you blush again.  i cannot believe this is forever.  are you the one keeping yourself fresh in my mind?  the hauntings?  are you forcing me to breathe during this suffocation?

i have printed pictures of us lined up on the kitchen floor.