There comes a point in everyone’s post-breakup life where you will be filming something kind of important on your smartphone and you receive a notice indicating you forgot to properly clean your phone of the last d**che you dated. One is forced to make a very difficult decision when a situation like this happens: “What is more important?–the pictures of your dogter’s latest canine romp in your laundry basket…or avoiding horrible reminders of your breakup for another six months…” Last night, I was forced to confront the latter…Delilah is just too adorable to erase.
Going in, I assumed this task would be cathartic: I was erasing reminders of a very negative experience with someone who caused so much pain, but I had to take a break midway. The reaction was not due to sentiment. I was only angry for wasting my time and phone space on someone who had stopped caring about me or the life we were creating together five days prior to my ending the relationship. These photos, the first batch, were easily discarded.
Pictures of a man I dated previously (2 1/2 years of pictures), are the ones I continue to struggle with. My best friend whose hugs I miss (the first man who really mattered) remains a daily presence in my mind. I’ve never stopped grieving the feeling of safety, eagerly awaiting nonsensical ranting, laughing so hard I would fall off the couch, and freely admitting he made me pee my pants with a simple story about the traffic. I miss knowing there was always someone who thought I was beautiful at my absolute worst. With staples in my head from falling, puffy joints post-surgery, chemo drugs for Rheumatoid Arthritis treatments…I still always wanted to make myself look beautiful for him–because he deserved someone beautiful.
No one ever gets over the first person they love with their entire soul…but they can move on and love someone else equally– possibly more. You learn to trust again; you learn to love again; you learn to value yourself again, eventually. It just really sucks having to sort through and delete the pictures on your phone.