i DESPISE dating…so whenever i was given the opportunity to commit in the past, i gave an easy HELL-yeah. i have dated men nine years younger and sixteen years older than myself, and i think i have figured out how to spot a real man and someone pretending to be (whether he is aware or not).
- DOES NOT INTRODUCE YOU TO HIS FAMILY. after a reasonable amount of time spent in monogamy, he should want to show you off not only to his friends, but also to his family. if a guy isn’t dying to show his loved ones that someone like you is into him, he isn’t long-term material.
- YOU HAVE TO WORK AROUND HIS SCHEDULE: by giving you a few options to choose from for a weekly (and ONLY weekly) date, he thinks he is being considerate because he is letting you decide…and you might fall for it. BEWARE. if a man is completely infatuated, he will ask for your schedule and compare it to his. if dinner isn’t an option and he is dying to see you, he will ask to see you during lunch…and he will want to see you more than once or twice a week.
- HE IS “SUDDENLY” BUSY FOR A WEEK OR MORE AND CAN’T SEE YOU: men and women are not that different! if your guy is a real man, he will find a way to see or be with you, regardless of his schedule! hello?! what century is this??? facetime and skype are at his disposal…no computer? his cell phone will have a camera and he can download an app in 5 seconds.
- HE DOESN’T APPRECIATE THE LITTLE GESTURES: if one spends 20 hours making a holiday gift, 10 hours making a personalized popup card, and 15 hours on a pinata of his head for cinco de mayo with almost no audible thank you, he needs to go (but those are just hypothetical scenarios).
- HE DOESN’T HAVE TIME TO HELP YOU: through a medical crisis or personal issue because he would have to get off the couch.
- HE TALKS ABOUT SEX (IN A GRAPHIC NATURE) ON THE FIRST COUPLE DATES: this bro is looking for something without putting in the effort. slam the door in his face. an even worse situation (is that possible?) may occur if he has your cell number…dick pics really need no caution signs because that is what they are. i suggest you block his phone number.
- HE TOTALLY PROMISES TO CALL YOU BACK when he gets back in the city…he has to go home because someone is sick–then is mad when you attempt to call him twice to make sure his family is ok. weasel.
- ONE NIGHT STAND: if you are drunk and/or stupid, you will fall for the trap. 99% of the guys are looking for nothing more.
—THESE MEN ARE NOT LIKELY TO CHANGE. THEY ARE NARCISSISTS, SCARED, AND WILL RUN HOME TO THEIR MOTHERS OR BAD MOUTH YOU TO EVERYONE. STAY AWAY.
- WHEN THERE IS AN ISSUE, HE ADDRESSES IT IMMEDIATELY: i am on a second go with my boyfriend and he found an old picture on social media that showed me kissing my best guy friend on the cheek. Pre initial split, there would have been a temper tantrum. this time, he addressed it head-on and the issue was explained and resolved.
- HE WANTS TO SEE YOU NO MATTER HOW YOU LOOK…EVERY DAY: a real man knows how you look with and without makeup and clean hair… on video chat, he may even find the scarf on your head, scratched glasses, greasy hair, and sweat pants totally adorable (as he should). Also, despite the mess you call a bedroom and the pillow wrinkles on the side of your face, his eyes never break contact with yours. you can expect anywhere from 1-3 short Facetime calls between business meetings and after he puts the kids to bed. messaging is a bonus as long as you enjoy receiving them and unwanted salacious texts are addressed immediately.
- DESPITE SOCIAL “TABOO”, HE WANTS TO PLAN A FUTURE–WITH YOU: no matter how short (long?) you have been together, he is all about your joint future: a real MAN signs up for couples activity classes months in advance and buckles his heaviest, very exprensive watch on your wrist, insisting that you keep wearing it…for months…and it is kind of a big deal.
- DOESN’T ABANDON THE DIFFICULT: we all have horrible days/hours when we need someone to talk to. The real men will call or video chat, allow you to sob with snot running down your face…and offers his full attention, encouragement, and reminders that he love you.
LADIES AND GENTLEMAN (AND THOSE STILL EXPLORING)…Jane Austen’s “Mr. Darcy” does exist! and if you are not a big priority, if he doesn’t think you are amazing through your best and worst moments, if he isn’t completely into you 24/7…he just isn’t worth the effort.